Saturday, August 06, 2016

Life Laments (long, just written for me)

Don't worry guys. I'm still working on Annabelle's stories whenever I can.

Right now however I just need to put my thoughts down. I'm just going to write free flowing, without edits, just to get it out there.

I'm the sort who needs to vent. I usually do it by speaking to certain friends or family but sometimes it just doesn't feel right. All I know is I just have to throw up my feelings so I can hear them and help turn off the self-doubt and recriminations that flow regularly in my mind.

There are things I should put down here first.
1. I care too much about others. Their feelings, their judgments, and so on.
2. I believe without a shadow of a doubt that God is real and he talks to us with a peaceful voice that speaks to us when we're full of doubt and frustration and fear. We may not always be able to listen but their are many ways, such as prayer, meditation, scripture study, church attendance and most of all, shutting off your own head, which we can hear him.
3. I long for love. I am very grateful for the appreciation and love I get from friends and family. But I'm talking about that special someone whom I, too, can love with all my heart.
4.Sometimes we make choices that we think are right at the time but we have mislead ourselves.

Thanks to some choices I made twenty-seven years ago, I began a relationship based on one thing: a need to feel loved and appreciated. She was running from her mother and needed a support. Together we became an "us" and twenty-five years ago we were married.

But did I truly "love" her? Who knows anymore. I know the only thing about her that attracted me was her humor. I know this lack of attraction to her personality flaws (flaws in my mind and in the mind of those who knew us) grew into dissatisfaction and resentment.

I figured it was just me. I mean sure, her destructive patterns hurt us and our four children over the years but after every fight we'd patch it up and move on. We'd repeat over and over but my dad served my mother year after year with nothing but pain and hurt returned to him. At least my spouse gave me love, appreciation and respect. Well, sometimes.

But the toxicity of the marriage took it's toll. I still long to find love with someone who can love me without abusing me. Without ultimatums or absences or causing me to have to excuse toxic behavior to everyone we come in contact with.

The fights got harder and my affection died. Celebratory events such as anniversaries, Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, all became a necessary chore. How could I celebrate someone who would verbally and mentally hurt others? Who would constantly refuse to endure and would rather share self pity?

I spoke with my wife. We fought. Nothing new as the fights had increased at that point. I realized something. What I thought was love for my wife in the beginning of our relationship was only a need to find love. And while our years together have given us many wonderful memories, along with them all was her toxic behavior.

I asked her to leave and move in with her family since mine live out of state and three of the kids preferred me. They needed the house and my job was in this state so we couldn't just run to California. My wife left with my eldest daughter whom still doesn't see things the way I have explained them here.

They've been gone for over two months and now my three other kids (ages 20, 18, 16) and I finally have peace and fulfillment in almost everything. Well, the kids have it in everything. I'm still missing that which I have longed for for a very long time: the kind of love without strings or baggage. Just a mutual respect and appreciation for one another.

I feel lonely in a crowd. Meanwhile my wife takes turns pleading for what was never real, and harassing me with anger and hate. All the while slipping in various sneaky agendas to get what she wants.

The divorce will take at least three months. I have a great lawyer and it might go well, but I still get at least eight emails a day from my soon-to-be-ex. They tear me down or ask for things I know would hurt myself and the other kids if I give in.

I need, for once, to be loved.