Well it was bound to happen. After my first seven months my boss had me in his office for a closed door meeting. I'm apparently not giving as much as my résumé says I can. I need to try harder and put more effort into it.
I know I've been greatly distracted. I know I could work harder. I will, of course.
But this has happened before. Maybe I'm not confident as a drafter. Yeah, I suppose that's it. I'm very confident as a writer, but when it comes to the day to day grind "be a grown up and don’t screw up. Ask if you have questions, but don't ask because you should be able to do it now", well I never quite measure up.
I'm so sick of this crap.
Alright, so this brings us to the title of this entry.
I should be upset and depressed, but I'm not. When those feelings of doubt and frustration, fear of the future and the deep questions about my own self worth, when those feeling start to rear their ugly heads, a calm feeling comes over me. A feeling that tells me that this is all a temporary situation. Wait for something very big and positive that's around the corner.
So I will work and schedule my time better. I'll get more done and try to think through my day job to improve. All the while I'll listen to that little voice that has been right so many times in my life and has never been wrong.
Instead of despair, I feel confidence. That's not normal for me but I know enough to trust this external prompting of hope and forge on.